Do you know that feeling when you just can't get rid of someone's face and name from your brain? It's like...there. It isn't going anywhere and it beats against your skull in time with your pulse.
It's the most annoying thing. Random. It hits you hard while you're having your favorite Mocha Frapuccino, staring through the Starbucks logo on the glass. And suddenly, you're mad as hell; your coffee tastes like shit. People talking. People laughing.
I am the kind of person who bears grudges. But I haven't actually gone through the experience where I retaliated against that person for whom I bear a grudge. Do you get what I mean? People are so stupid. I guess it is because I don't actually resent the person but just that particular circumstance, that moment, that fragment in time that I cannot forget.
I inflict tiny little wounds on unsuspecting individuals and watch how they bleed.
If you hit your head hard enough, if you watch too many bad movies and drink too much coffee and sleep too little and fill your brain with so much crap....
ERASE. It's my favorite word.
I'm a scientist. I look through my microscope at a wiggling worm in the nucleus of your cell.
I'm not personal. The saddest things make me laugh even as I am thinking, "How sad." When someone tells me they love me, it drives me to hysterics. Do you know how easy it is to say "I miss you" when you don't?
It's easy to lie. Even easier to make people believe it.
Even my kindness is impersonal. I can donate money to the church or give to a charity fund but I can't be bothered to give a few coins to the beggar woman on the sidewalk who looks at me like I'm some kind of god. Palms up, deep-set eyes like black holes. Or lend money to a friend. Work your ass; what's mine is mine.
The people I've helped are faceless because that's how I want them to be.
I don't like people to thank me for things that I have done. Your gratitude is worthless to me. It doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel worse. It was just something that I did. It was not because you're you and I'm me. Don't read anything into it.
The things I say don't mean anything. They are just words. Letters. Sounds. Any idiot can say them.
I can't be personal. I don't feel anything. I am only moved by something I have no name for.
I am mechanical.